


The Funny Pit

by Missy



Category: Golden Girls
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Purge Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banter, Cheesecake, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Family Fluff, Gen, Humor, Mild Angst, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 10:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16491173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: The girls spend Purge night eating cheesecake, swapping stories - and worrying about Blanche, who's terribly late.





	The Funny Pit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [misantlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misantlery/gifts).



> I had a lot of fun filling your prompt! Since I'm a pretty big horror fan on top of being a Golden Girls fan, fitting these two universes together was fun! I really hope you like it!
> 
> This has the mildest hint of Dorothy/Blanche to it. Since everyone's too busy surviving to smooch here let's just say things get spicier later!

Dorothy Zbornak was spending her Purge night the way many other citizens across the country did: pacing. 

To her credit, she wasn’t calling Rose or Blanche’s jobs every five minutes, which was how she'd spent the first Purge. And it was all for nothing in the end; they had shown up healthy and well – in Rose’s case with two boxes of cheesecake tucked under her chin. and in Blanche’s case wearing a fur coat she’d ‘borrowed’ from the front window of Gimble’s - just before sunset.

“Would ya sit down already?” her mother asked, most of her attention focused on the TV, which was playing a rerun of _Robin and the Seven Hoods._ “You’re gonna give yourself vertigo!”

“I don’t care, I’m worried about Rose and Blanche. Of all the times to be this late!” 

“Pussycat, don’t be jealous. So what if they’re late? Maybe they’re having fun!”

“I am not jealous!” Dorothy snapped. “And you can have fun without staying out until one in the morning! I conducted my Purge night activities early in the evening and came home at a decent hour!”

“Pft! Listen to Sandra Dee here!” Sophia said, folding her hands over her heart. Dorothy grumbled and kept pacing. 

“You don’t need to be sarcastic, Ma.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll try to be nicer on the one night a year everyone’s supposed to be a huge jerk!”

Then someone jostled the doorknob. Dorothy automatically reached for the bowie knife she’d strapped to her hip (no matter the government’s latest choices, she couldn’t bring herself to buy a gun – unlike Sophia and Blanche, both of whom owned models that they spent the rest of the year storing in awkward places and occasionally forgetting they owned. More than once a year Dorothy found herself staring at a revolver accidentally left in the freezer ‘for safekeeping’.).

And it was Rose, beaming brilliantly – followed by flood of dogs. “Hello everybody!” She scanned the room. “Did Blanche go to bed early?”

“She’s still out,” Dorothy said. She eyeballed the flood of canines with worry and confusion. “What are you doing bringing all of these dogs here?!” A german shepherd was already trying to leap up onto Dorothy’s hip, giving her the most affectionate look; reluctantly, remembering Wah-Wah, she scratched it behind the ears and was rewarded with a slobbery lick. 

Rose bent to pet the head of a Pekingese. “The shelter was understaffed, and I couldn’t leave these cuties alone to face whatever was going to happen tonight. So I did what any good citizen would do, and slathered the soles of my shoes with peanut butter until they all followed me out!”

“Only you, Rose,” Dorothy sighed. “Can you at least keep them quiet?”

“Oh yeah! I’ve been teaching them not to bark when someone makes a noise…gee, that might end up being bad for us during the Purge…”

“We’ll be fine. We’re as prepared as we’re going to be.” Dorothy had taken control of the prep work, as per usual, and the results had been decent. There was a pit in the lawn that looked like a regular patch of greenery. There were nets near the lanai, and – heaven forbid they get that close to the house – every windowsill was electrified. Dorothy hated doing all of this, but all she wanted was to protect her family and keep them alive. 

They were, Dorothy realized, a long way from mace and barking dog alarms. 

 

 

****

**~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&~~**

 

 

“I’m scared for Blanche,” she finally confessed to Rose. They’d congregated in the kitchen for some cheesecake and chocolate ice cream, while the half-dozen dogs all ate and drank from various shallow dishes on the floor around them. Rose had stocked up on enormous sacks of dry dog food, which meant that every single canine was going to be well-fed and they wouldn’t have to risk using a water supply that might have been poisoned or wet food that might have been tainted.

Even the ice cream and cheesecake they were eating had been bought and frozen weeks ahead of time, just in case.

“Don’t worry about her,” urged Rose. “She’s a tough slut.”

Dorothy raised an eyebrow at her.

“And she’s our slut,” said Sophia. She’d finished her cheesecake off and was shuffling towards the fridge. “Anyone want some cheese and crackers?”

“I’ll take cheese and pepperoni!” said Dorothy.

“We don’t have pepperoni,” said Sophia. “I ate it while I was on the phone with your Uncle Tony…”

“Ma, don’t start talking about Uncle Tony again…”

“Why not? He’s got a perfectly respectable business…”

“…So respectable he lies about it on his tax forms!” said Dorothy. “Wasn’t he implicated in that cover-up with the Gambini family?”

“Eh, you put one guy in a pickle barrel and you pay for it for years. Anyway, you’re gonna thank me,” said Sophia. “I had him make a couple of improvements to your Purge night plans…”

“I’m sure I will,” Dorothy said, and couldn’t keep the condescension out of her voice.

 

A flash and a loud yelp from the backyard caused all three women to wheel towards the sound. Then there was a sharp, southern-accented voice shouting up from the depths of the pit Dorothy had dug. “How in the hell did that happen?! WHO put this hole in my backyard?!”

Dorothy’s stomach unclenched. “Blanche!” she shouted. She automatically made tracks toward the backdoor.

“Dorothy!” Rose hissed. “We don’t want to draw attention! If we turn the flood lights on and that’ll bring prowlers to us!”

“Who cares?! Blanche is in a pit!” Dorothy yelled, and shook off Rose’s hand.

Sophia said, “eh, don’t worry about it – there’s enough food down there for her to…” They all trailed off as the lock jingled. Each reached for the nearest weapon – in Rose’s case, it was a glass pitcher of milk, in Sophia’s case it was a heavy cheeseblock. Dorothy had her knife. 

Then the door opened, and Blanche was there – looking no worse the wear for her fall, but her brightly-colored red and gold pantsuit was completely ruined by the dirt and rocks it had been rolled through on her way down and up. Her pumps were completely missing as well, and Dorothy wondered if they'd been lost on the journey or rolled off into the pit.

“Blanche! Are you all right?!” Rose asked.

“Oh, just fine – besides the terrifying unexpected drop into the unknown,” she said. Then she glanced down. “Oh, hello, puppies!” she said. “Who do they belong to?”

“Nobody,” said Rose, “yet, unless we can keep one…”

“We’re not going through that again!” Dorothy protested. “How did you get out of that pit?!” she asked. Blanche headed to the sink and rinsed off her hands with the bottled water, then dabbed her face delicately with a paper towel before answering.

“Oh, in my youth, I was an expert climber. Once, as a debutante, I was dating a seven-foot tall basketball player. Well, I’d left my heels behind, and he wanted to climb a telephone poll, so I learned how to shimmy. It turns out my incredible thigh muscles were useful for more than holding a man’s body tightly to my own.”

Dorothy paused. “Even your survival stories involve sex. Why am I surprised?”

“I’m not,” Rose said.

“Please tell me you saved some cheesecake. My evening has been an unmitigated disaster and I need sugar to improve it,” said Blanche.

 

“Why were you so late?” asked Dorothy.

“Oh, I had a date with Donald – that pilot from the San Fernando Valley? Well, he offered to take me on a shopping spree for Purge night but instead we ended up getting a little distracted. Before I knew it we were buckwild in the back of his Coupe De Ville and being chased by a couple of little hoodlums on bicycles. We had to hide for a couple of hours in a Burger King with only hot grease and uneaten chinese chicken salad for weapons!” She said.

“And you couldn’t have called?” Dorothy asked.

“Aww! Dorothy, I do believe you missed me,” Blanche said. Dorothy smirked. 

“Perhaps,” she said. 

Rose sliced up cheesecake for Blanche, and Dorothy dished up some ice cream. Somehow, a cozy, sweet feeling filled the air. Outside their front door so much anger and strife was playing out, but here they were – a real family, happy and without rancor.

“You know, this reminds me of Purge Night in Saint Olaf,” said Rose. A groan went up from the table. “Oh come on, it’s a good story! ALL of my stories are good stories but this one is a great story! It involves Mary Offendaas and a pile of tainted herring.”

“So why don’t you tell it?” Dorothy asked.

Rose frowned. “My parents used to drown people who would steal our cows in boiling cheese. Pass the cheesecake.”

Before Dorothy could, a booming sound came from the front lawn. “What was that?!” Dorothy asked.

Sophia’s smile was triumphant. “Didn’t I tell you? Uncle Tony made some adjustments! So I had him plant a few flashbombs under the begonias near the door.”

“MA! Fernando works hard on those!”

“Yeah, and we’ll pay him to re-plant them! Staying alive’s more important, just like you said – and nobody’s gonna mess with me and my family!”

Dorothy couldn’t disagree with that. She took a bite of cheesecake.

“So what did you do with your Purge night, Dorothy?” Blanche asked.

“Liquidated Principle Gaither’s booze fund and donated all of it to every anti-Purge candidate I could think of.” Dorothy knew it was girl scout-like of her, but well – every bit helps.

“I’m proud of you,” said Blanche, and patted Dorothy’s hand.

“Me too,” said Rose.

“I’m always proud of you, Pussycat,” said Sophia. Her grip tightened gently around Dorothy's fingers.

 Another bang, another yelp and a bright flash of light came from the front of the house. They took a moment, sighed, and dug back into their cheesecake.


End file.
